An Alucard Encounter
by jcdenton2012
Summary: This is the story of a group of Eldar pirates attacking an Inquisition Ship and getting in waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over their heads.
1. Alucard Wakes Up

The Imperial Cruiser Demeter had been boarded en route to the fortress star systems and space stations which made up the Cadian Gate. The crew of this vast warship had, in theory, been given a rather trivial and simple mission to deliver one of the Inquisitions most needed battlefield expedients. However, like all things involving the Inquisition, simplicity was often a… misunderstood concept.

This expedient, this block coffin wrapped in silver chains and purity seals, was needed greatly where one of Warmaster Abbadon's armies had lain siege to a most valuable forge world. But, woe is the way of mortal men that they should be crippled and boarded by foul xenos upon exiting the warp mere days away from their final destination. The ship, crew, and its captain had hoped to link up with a local Imperial Battle Group moving into the star system, but… things simply didn't play out as expected. The Imperial Flotilla was nowhere to be found… and an enemy was waiting patiently for the kill.

The first few salvos hit the engines following the disorientation of warp translation back into the material universe. Afterwards, a large black ship shimmering like organic obsidian with orange solar sails drifted in close aft of the main gun decks. Within minutes of reentered material space, the first boarding craft had disembarked numerous pirates into the lower reaches and gun batteries, overwhelming unprepared serfs and gunnery men unawares of the disaster as it occurred.

Dark Eldar, those foul and wicked creatures butchered the crew for sport, hunting down men and women like rats within the Cruisers steel corridors. The armsmen had tried to repeal the boarding action… but, such efforts were simply inadequate against such a nimble and vicious foe. The human crew were overwhelmed despite their best efforts as the Eldar lay claim to their prize.

"We've lost contact with the higher breaches of the las artillery my lady," said a Corporal approaching the white coated Inquisitor as she leaned over the data pict console as vast swaths of green numerical text scrolled past her sharp tinted green eyes and short shaggy red hair.

The Inquisitor turned her eyes from the pict monitor in order to view the massive black xenos vessel pulled up alongside the cruiser with its golden solar sails withdrawn back so as to keep the foul alien craft stationary.

"What of the engines?" she asked coldy, her sharp blue eyes hidden behind a small pair of spectacles focusing upon the armsman as he cradled his lasrifle against his breast.

"Offline, and heavily damaged my lady," he addressed her with a bewildered shake of his head, "We're dead in the void, and in a slowly decaying orbit over Whitby Majoris."

The Inquisitor spun on her thigh booted heels to face the armsmen, her spotless white bodyglove hidden beneath a large white leather coat trimmed in some sort of rare arctic world fur. She was slim, flat chested, and had it not been for her slightly padded hips, one would have easily assumed the Ordo Malleus Lady Inquisitor to have been of the male gender.

"And what of the cargo hold?" she asked sternly. The armsman sunk his shoulders, "It's still secure, but if the xeno's get to the hold, Emperor knows what might happen."

The Inquisitor narrowed her eyes as alert klaxons suddenly blared across the bridge. Numerous helmsmen checked their cogitators scrolling data prompts, "Lady Inquisitor," addressed one such man, a few rows of data slates up the bridge, "Hull breach, portside, sector 34-PT, confirmed… enemy engaged."

"Then it's begun," sulked the Inquisitor while motioning towards the bridge shutters, "Close off the helm. Repel all borders moving up from the lower holds… and fortify our position here…"

"Yes Inquisitor!" yelled numerous armsmen as the bridge was closed off and sealed shut, numerous large bulkheads slamming down upon grinding rusted mechanical gears. Furthermore, the bridge was fortified and everybody given a weapon to hold off anyone who tried to breach the shutters.

"Lady Inquisitor," addressed another helmsman off to her immediate left. The white robed woman turned to face the man as he reported upon the xeno's infiltration of the Imperial cruiser, "We've confirmed that numerous pirates are heading for the primary cargo hold…" the man droned off as the Inquisitor gripped her white leather gloved hands in raw anger. Even with the guards posted to defend the main ships hold… she knew that it wouldn't be enough to stop whatever came next.

"Then Emperor help us all…" she said bitterly as the men and women surrounding her person, hunkered down into defensive positions for the inevitable alien assault unto the bridge.

…..

The Eldar pirates stalked The Demeter slaying the pathetic rabble of human crewmen in their numerous desperate attempts to protect themselves. Bodies, sticky with pooling blood and drowning in severed limbs cluttered the corridors as several scantily clad alabaster skinned Eldar entered a massive open cargo hold… their delicate bodies nimbly darting into cover past several decapitated human corpses. These… humans, had been most dedicated to their efforts at defending this particular cargo hold, and the Dark Eldar sense for good plunder drove them eagerly towards this particular siege point like wolves to lamb flesh.

As for the prize, it was here that they saw it, a… coffin? The only thing in this cargo hold was a black coffin with an ornate white eye shedding a single tear. There were also human letters, some sort of rambling gibberish that the Eldar couldn't quite make out attached to binding silver chains securing the coffin into place.

This sight was… irresistible. What was in the coffin? What could be so worth the efforts of the human crew to protect it, and hammer it into place? Yes, they needed to steal what was inside for as illogical as the humans were… something so firmly defended and ornately engraved must contain something equally valuable.

With a motion of his helm one of the Eldar pirates directed his fellow warriors to cut the chains binding the coffin into place. Yes, they wanted what was inside, the valuable loot being transported by these lowly and pathetic humans.

As ordered, his fellow pirates used a series of metal swords to twist the joints of the chains until they broke, clattering to the metal deck platting with over dramatic thumps. In a show of alien arrogance, the commanding pirate marched up to the erect standing coffin and kicked it back upon its spine with an echoing crash.

The group of Eldar gathered around the coffin in preparation to see it opened. They wanted whatever rich loot was therein, savoring the greediness within their foul alien souls. However, before they could pull off the lid, their minds echoed with a deep thunderous laugh so vile and so twisted as to make their collective skins crawl with angst.

A sudden black mist started to flow from the coffins lid seems causing the pirates to quickly back away as the ornate wooden door slowly hinged open revealing hundreds of red eyes and an inky black shadow. From this shadow emerged a white gloved hand, pushing the coffin lid open, and then soon thereafter… a series of white fanged teeth grinning in a demented smile.

What was this thing? A demon? No, it was no demon. This monster that they had just unleashed was something much worse… for in all the human records his true name had long since been lost leaving only a single historical note. This man, this creature, he was, 'The Black Count.'

…

Everyone was dead. The Eldar pirates had successfully stormed the bridge butchering everyone except for the white clothed Inquisitor now throw against a control console with a bloody gash over her right eyebrow. Drops of crimson dotted her white figure as numerous Eldar pirates laughed wickedly at her broken form. Well, this was BEFORE the screaming started. Yes, the screaming, it echoed across the shipboard vox system, broadcasting on all channels, men and women of their foul alien race screaming and yelling in terror at some sort of unknown horror scything them down like wheat.

"What have you done human!" yelled one of the pirates, stern and concerned at the sudden change of events, pointing his saber in the Inquisitors face. The white clothed Inquisitor laughed dully to herself and closed her eyes for a brief self reflection, "What have I done?" she asked, humored.

"YOU IDIOTS WOKE HIM UP!" she yelled at the Eldar pirates, stunning them all with the sudden outburst and breech of decorum as expected of a captured human, "For years we've kept that… that… 'Thing,' unconscious and buried on Titan, and then when he's most needed pushing back the black hordes coming forth from the Eye of Terror you idiots attack us as we transfer him, and you wake HIM up!"

"Him?" asked the same Eldar, as more screaming voices from his fellow dying pirates screeched over the vox, "What is he?"

"He's not a demon…" said the Inquisitor with narrowed hate filled eyes, "He's something much MUCH worse."

…..

A group of Eldar warriors had heard the screaming and maddened butchering of their fellow warriors over the primitive human machines and while concerned thought little of the actual unleashed threat, until they saw IT! A cloud of black inky shadows with hundreds of red eyes moving along the corridor before them, and at its center there was a single man in a black bodyglove with a huge unblinking red eye upon his chest.

Everything about this human male reeked of blood and death. His skin was as pale as any Eldar, his eyes red like ruby's, and his hair long and black like coal. Mist formed in his wake, blotting out light, blood oozing from the shadows like encroaching moss, pulsating with a heartbeat.

He marched forward, the primitive human glow lights fading into darkness as he passed, his black bodyglove phasing with red blood into a crimson coat, primitive cloth suit, knee high rider boots, orange glasses, and a large red hat. As he walked towards the Eldar he started to laugh as two massive hand cannons materialized in his white gloved hands, forming from raw blood oozing out of the palms of his hands.

"Ohhhh what do we have here," mocked this human with a fanged smile ringed in sharp teeth, "It appears that I've discovered some Space Elves," suddenly he was before the nearest Dark Eldar pirate in a flash, his hand cannon placed against the alien's forehead. The Dark Eldar pirate had just enough time to soil himself and tremble as this large shadow of death loomed over him, "Don't mind me," spoke this towering monster with a monster's smile, "I only want to see what's inside."


	2. Alucard Finds An Emperor Statue

The Dark Eldar pirates knew they weren't alone, and that they were being hunted down for sport. Woe were they to fall prey to an unknown and unexpected threat just like the humans they had so happily slain mere moments ago.

They knew from the horrible screams of their dying brethren echoing through the steel corridors and vox relays that this, thing… for a lack of a better term, had been unleashed. Not only had it been unleashed, but it also hungered for blood, and the Eldar were conveniently in its path, as the wounded human warship slowly started to go dark, deck by deck, via the presence of power from this horrible monster.

Men and women, Wychs and Kabalite Warriors alike, ran from the encroaching darkness in a maddened panic, a panic driven by pure emotional horror and the will to survive, as they watched those stupid enough to stand their ground being devoured by a tide of darkness and blood. The decrepit scent of rotting meat filled the air as they ran, the darkness picking up speed behind them.

Many of these foul xenos closed their eyes to will away the horrors following them, but upon swiveling their heads to check back upon the black tide encroaching like a wave of wooing souls, they say it neither slowing nor disappearing. It was then… at this moment that the darkness chose its shape.

Ancient humans, men in crude steel plate armor with blood dribbling from the vacant holes of their eyes, their faces contorted in eternal woe, rode forth from the darkness streaming crimson blood from their armored bodies, and the muscles of their haired steads.

The Eldar turned in unison to fire their splinter weapons as the human riders raised a series of lances. The poisoned shives reflected off of the crimson humans ghosted armored bodies, or injected properly without showing any effects. As for the Dark Eldar themselves, they were about to turn and flee once again, but alas… it was far too late. The human riders streaming blood and evil black smoke from their materialized bodies were upon them, lances piercing flesh, sowing the ground with alien gore.

The Eldar were ran down and consumed by the darkness, the cacophony of their screams adding to their fallen and absorbed kin as the human knights were formed back into the darkened mass of evil, dragging the souls of their prey with them into an eternal hell of the Black Counts accursed making.

Whatever it was, whatever horrible thing these stupid humans were keeping onboard this vessel, it was like an unstoppable wave engulfing everything in its wake. Those smart enough to flee survived longer than those who stood their ground and fought. But, such a thing, such a force of nature could not be contained aboard a starship. No, it spread like a virus, outpacing even the fleet of foot Eldar.

One by one, the xenos died, eaten by this thing… wondering… if it even had a name. Knowing the human pension for theatrics… if his monster did indeed possess an identity then surely it was linked gloomily to their barbarian corpse emperor.

…..

The air was filled with the scent of blood and rotting flesh, half eaten, squashed into a mushy paste as it lay upon the floor. Alucard inhaled deeply with a gleaming sense of self-satisfaction as the slowly walked over the remains of the former, what were they again, 'space elves?' Yep, space elves, now if only he could find a space unicorn or a space leprechaun to shoot and eat his life would be complete.

"Now you see, this is just weird even by my ridiculous standards," he replied mockingly while waving his guns cartoonishly at a rusty skull motif upon the nearby bulkhead of this crude spaceship.

This… spaceship, he reflected oddly with contempt? Yes, it was a spaceship and weirdly decorated in human skulls as if he were a traveling groupie to a heavy metal band. 'Spaceship,' who was he kidding, this was a freaking floating cathedral strapped to a plasma engine.

It was now that Alucard stopped briefly and reflected upon that thought. "A plasma engine in a creepy gothic ship?" he asked himself and resurveyed his surroundings, "How long have I been unconscious again?" No really, time had no meaning when he was sleeping. It could have been a day in his coffin or a hundred years.

Alucard now struggled to remember the last thing that he could possibly think of…

 _'Oh god no! Not the face' yelled a portly mailman running away from Alucard on one of the Martian colonies. The overweight piece of human trash was struggling to get away from Vampire Lord as he chased the cretin in an ice cream truck… golf club in hand to smash the fat bastard's skull in like a melon…_ '

 _'Master maybe should stop trying to kill the postal worker!? He was only doing his job!? begged Policegirl as Alucard continued to floor the ice cream trucks gas peddle while winding through the rusty red Martian terrain.'_

 _'The box said fragile! How can I enjoy burning the last DVD copy of Twilight in existence when the disk is all broken when it gets to me!'_

 _And then... Alucard ran over the postal worker..._

"That was… 3254… yeeeeah. Wow, how long had he been unconscious… and where's police girl?"

Alucard continued to walk through the ship while pondering these thoughts, his boots squeaking on the blood stained floor, until he suddenly stopped and took a few steps back, evidently shaken out of his own thoughts from a very unexpected image in his peripheral vision. With a hint of begrudging frustration, he slowly and jarringly turned his head to glare at a massive metal statue sitting in what appeared to be a worship alcove of some sorts.

This… human icon was tall with sharp facial features, his image stern with long hair, and a sword at rest within his palms before his groin. The man was stately, and…

Alucard stood where he was and slowly started to erupt into laughter at the massive metal icon before him. He knew this man. After all, they had both lived long enough to have crossed paths on numerous occasions. But, to see him worshiped… again… as a big ass statue was something to inspire the vampire lord to tears.

"You…" he cried while pointing at the statue, "You Cheeky Dick Waffle… I should have known…"


	3. Alucard Talks to an Archon

Archon Erzamor of the Dark Hand Kabal kicked the wounded female human in the ribs and threw her flat chested body against a nearby primitive control console causing it to erupt in electrical sparks, "What is he!" he yelled in a wicked rage as she sagged slowly to the ground, spitting thick crimson blood through her teeth and unto the metal deck plates of the bridge. The human female gasped several times, her ribs clearly broken, before she slowly started to deliver a muttering faint laugh.

"He," she said with a slur, blood dripping down upon her white bodyglove, "Is a fucking monster. Ancient legend has it that countless of our kind have tried to murder him. Nuclear Bombs. Bioweapons. Magical Rituals. We even tried to dump him into the sun once…. And nothing worked."

The Eldar Archon felt his blood chill as she continued to gag upon her own blood, trickling remnants oozing from the corners of her mouth. She eyed him with pity. HIM, a Dark Eldar Archon, with pity. "Foolish human," he smited her across that arrogant pale face leaving a bleeding rash upon her left check, "You should know your place weakling… I am not known for my mercy."

She spit a wad of bloody spittle upon the deck plates and smiled mockingly into his unhelmed face. This action further angered the Archon and he was about to blind the winch of that mocking glare with a mere slash of his saber, when suddenly a nearby vox station drew his attention.

"Hello? Is this thing on? Uh… I'm looking for the Space Elf in charge. It's kinda important."

The Archon grimaced in annoyance at the sudden unexpected interruption, while the lowly wounded human muffled a humored laugh as she lay upon the ground like a puppet with its strings cut. With much prancing grace, Erzamor strolled across the bridge of the primitive human warship, surveyed the metal console, and with an educated guess tapped a small runned button to answer the annoying monsters witty greeting.

"This is Archon Erazmor of the Dark Hand Kabal. Is that you monster?" he asked more to provoke than to clarify.

The… creature… on the other end of the vox relay laughed briefly to himself and replied, "At last, finally! Wait… did you say Dark Hand?" The Archon grimaced in annoyance… "Yes human, I said the Dark Hand Kabal, we come from Commorragh in search of plunder…."

Alucard interjected, "Right… sooo… how's Jackie Chan?"

"What?" stuttered Archon Erazmor, clearly caught off guard by the sudden random question.

"Yeah… you know. Jackie Chan, and all that stuff with the big dragon demon… what was he called again. Right, Shendu…"

"Look monster," now annoyed the Dark Eldar Archon started to feel provoked by the accursed monster besieging his men, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Wow," the monster on the other end seemed rather let down by the whole affair, "This isssss a first. Normally my taunts come of less stagnant than this. I wonder if this has something to do with the lack of cultural relevancy…"

The human female lying broken upon the floor snorted a laugh and grinned through blood stained teeth. In response the Archon felt his blood boil at the mere thought that he was being made a mockery of, "Now hear this you vile piece of genetic trash! I am Erazmor! Archon of the Dark Hand Kabal!"

"Uh-huh," replied the monster on the other end of the vox with something approaching disinterest.

"I am a Dark Eldar slave master and pirate lord! I have raided, murdered, and engorged myself upon the souls of countless humans!"

"Yep," replied the monster on the other end of the vox with something approaching disinterest.

"I have lived for thousands of years! I have maimed and murdered countless souls so that I will never be consumed by she who thirst!"

"Gotcha," replied the monster on the other end of the vox with something approaching disinterest.

"My species was hand-crafted by the Old Ones themselves to rule this universe! As an Eldar, my speed and power dwarf that of an average human piece of filth. Compared to you…"

"…You are a demi-god," The monster's deadpan interjection caught the Archon off-guard and whatever he was about to say literally exited his mouth as a gasp of hot air.

"HA!" laughed the monster, "Someone pick up that fucking phone because IIIIIIIIIII called it!"

"Wh… what?" replied Erazmor in a stammer. This wasn't how this was supposed to play out. The human… thing… on the other end was supposed to be trembling in fear. NOT MOCKING HIM!

"Let me guess… let me guess," laughed the monster, "Did you practice this!? I bet you did didn't you?"

Now angry the Archon yelled into the vox relay in a scene upon the bridge becoming increasingly awkward to those few Kabbalite warriors standing around as guards. Erazmor was supposed to be a vicious warlord and blood-letter, but this foul human monster was making him out to be a living joke of a leader. This was something they, his men, found increasingly amusing.

And, the Archon definitely did not appreciate being made fun of, "I did not practice anything human scum!" he yelled

"Ohhhh… I bet you did," laughed the monster, "So tell me, how many nights did you stand in front of the mirror trying to sound all impressed with yourself?"

The Dark Eldar Archon suddenly looked taken aback by the accusation. Perhaps… maybe once or twice he had… maybe… 'rehearsed' a few of his speeches.

"Human filth!" he yelled in a sudden surge of anger more for show with his men rather than because he actually felt it, "I swear you'll die screaming… By the time I'm done you'll beg me to end your life…"

"OK, Space Elf Commander whatever your name is… I've heard all this crap before so let's get down to the important part. I'll be right up to kill you sooooo… bye." And then the monster hung up leaving the Archon speechless.

Slowly, Archon Erazmor turned to face the wounded human female lying upon the ground. At first he was on the verge of being livid with outrage and then… something clicked inside his mind. With a hint of minor amusement, he walked over to her broken body and knelt down before her arrogant eyes.

"Tell me human," he addressed her with contempt, "Is there a way to bottleneck his approach through the ship?"

She laughed in his face, humid blood scented air exiting her small mouth, grinning she spoke, "There is an assembly hall which cannot be bypassed two decks down. If the hull breach doors are sealed right there… he can't get around them…"

The Archon nodded his approval and stood over her broken body, "Very well human…" he addressed her, "You may live… for now," before he turned and walked away with several guards as escorts.

The wounded Inquisitor waited until the Archon was long gone and the guards remaining on the bridge otherwise indisposed before finally saying to herself with a stifled laugh, "Good luck, you stupid bastard… because you're going to need it," before gasping and coughing up a stream of thick blood from her battered lungs.


	4. Alucard Fcks Up An Archon

The Dark Eldar had stormed the pathetic human warship with one hundred and twenty-three pirates. In logistical terms they lost seven Black Hand Kabbalite warriors and nine Wych Cult members loyal to the Crimson Rose, combating the human crew member until ever last hairy ape lay in a puddle of their own intestine and gore. However, when the human monster appeared whatever numerical victory obtained from butchering hundreds of stupid mon-keigh was quickly lost amongst the beast's brutal retaliation.

In a main atrium, the last large open space and perfect location to bottleneck any attacking boarding party before leading up to the human command deck, the Dark Eldar raiders set up their final defensive lines. Of the numbers they had progressively started off with, these few remaining survivors numbered merely thirty-four. That foul mon-keigh creature stalking the steel boxy corridors had mercilessly hunted down and slaughtered the others without pity or remorse leaving these sad few individuals with a heightened survivors instinct as the newly hunted prey.

Together, these Eldar flipped tables over for cover while properly disposing of scattered human corpses with broken primitive 'las' weaponry. Steel cutlery plates clanked upon the marble flooring as cups and eating utensils flung war and wide from the arms of the disbanding pirates creating their impromptu cover.

Kabbalite Warriors in medium or heavy body armor worked side by side with scantily clad Wych Cult members to fortify their surroundings as a massive meter-wide steel slab was slowly lowered on rusted and sparking mechanical gears at the far end of the chamber. This was the vacuum sealed door meant to protect the final defensive atrium on approach to the bridge in the event of atmospheric decompression and subsequent boarding action. Oddly enough, this was one of the few good ideas that the primitive humans had developed in regards to space combat, and had they possessed greater warning to the Dark Eldar sneak attack, the eccentric design concept might have led to even more pirate deaths. Luckily for the Dark Eldar, the human pension for such foresight was sadly lacking.

The primitive mechanical air recyclers of the human warship droned in the background as these Dark Eldar took cover behind a series of massive steel pillars, all the while setting up impromptu lines of splinter rifle fire towards the recently barricaded alcove where the descending steel door finally slammed and magnetically locked into place with a compressive gasp of ozone.

This was it. Their last stand. Wych Cultist and Kabbalite warriors stood and crouched nervously behind cover as their elected Pirate Lord, Archon Erazmor, Master of the Black Hand and Patron of the Crimson Rose, descended down from bridge behind them, saber pre-drawn and ready for the final confrontation.

Together they would make their last stand. Together they would… Someone knocked on the lowered compression door with a heavily thumping fist, "Hello! Space Elves? Are you in there?" asked a mocking voice.

The Archon the Black Hand yelled from far away, clearly engrossed with the need for his own safety, to the monster banished behind the lowered steel compression door, "We are here monster!"

"Right!" yelled the monster, his voice muffled by the lowered steel barricade, "Soooo uhhh… what's with the door?"

Several of the Kabbalite warriors and Wyches shared baffled glances at one another as their leader replied in kind, "We sealed off this area monster! You can't reach us! That door is a meter thick!"

"For the love of…" replied the monster, clearly annoyed, "… You know what?" he stopped briefly, "I've had enough of this shit. You wanna play Mr. Clever Pants. FINE! I'll play Mr. Clever pants as well…"

There was a loud shriek from behind the door and the entire ship seemed to tremble as if wounded. Suddenly, the lights began to dim as critical ships power was diverted elsewhere from the chamber. The Dark Eldar had just enough time to wonder what was going on before a loud mechanical engine suddenly activated beyond the compression door. And then… the door started to shake from a series of repetitive high yield explosions.

The Kabbalite warriors and Wyches started to tense as, hit by hit, the human compression door started to buckle inward, until… it finally exploded like a drum sending thick planks of flaming shrapnel scything through the air.

In the darkness of the corridor swelled a mist of black mist and red eyes, and from this mist emerged a massive armored vehicle streaming blood from its steel body. This vehicle was combat ready in steel plates, weeping crimson tears from its welded seams, thick smog erupting from its exhaust ports. It looked like a human Leman Russ… but different, lower in profile, with a massive mounted turret canon atop its thickly armored chassis. Upon this turret was an insignia… a four armed black spiral, and numerical code: 251205 dkr.

And then… the vox array in the hallway crackled into life and the Dark Eldar started to hear the chanting, the chanting of the countless billions of souls consumed by this monstrous creature,

"Fahrer fertig machen panzergranate Laden"

"Oh look Space Elves. It looks like I brought a Tiger Tank to a gunfight," mocked Alucard through the vox relay as the lumbering mechanical beast roared forward on twin armored tracks strafing the alien positions in armor piercing rounds, its turret rounding a massive gun barrel to fire a high explosive shell into a steel column instantly disintegrating the stupid soul using it for cover.

The Dark Eldar, though caught off-guard decided to not go easily into that crimson eyed night, and opened fire with splinter fire which merely reflected off of the tanks armored hide. The aliens scattered to encircle the armored monster and thought to avoid its main guns as this undead thing, born of the human monsters mind consumed and manifested from those who had in life manned the machine, grinded in a giant circle, as the chanting increased in vox volume all around them. The hearts of the still living Dark Eldar increased frantically from the noise and death around them,

"Fahrer fertig machen panzergranate Laden"

And then… it happened. Emerging from the mists of eyes beyond the atrium scrambled a few of the creatures consumed and forever damned by the dominating creature stalking the Mon-Keigh warship to which the Dark Eldar did now reside. Undead humans from generations long since passed, men in green long coats, ancient gas masks, arm-bands wound in a crimson spiral, they stepped forward from the inky darkness with stubber rifles and flame throwers. From the bodies of these undead trickled thick crimson vita fluids, as they sluggishly raised their weapons and formed a skirmish line to push the Dark Eldar backwards towards the command bridge.

Though their bodies were more advanced, ultimately, there was little that the xenos poisoned shards could do against the undead horde. Wyches and Kabbalite warriors alike were gunned down, their blood pulled forward into the darkened mist like coagulating creeper vines.

The alien lines… broke. Men and women ran for their lives against such horror. All… except for the Archon he stood his ground before the approaching Tiger Tank. To Erazmor's credit… he felt fear, it gnawed at the back of his mind, but he refused to back down even as his own men fell engulfed in flames all around him. He didn't back down because he knew that it didn't actually matter. Those who fled would be hunted down like the vermin they were. If he was going to die… then he was going to do it on his own terms, standing, not like a cowardly lamb.

"Why don't you face me monster," said with courage he actually did feel. By this point Erazmor was the last living breathing thing in the chamber, and he watched with a grizzly sense of honor rare for the Dark Eldar as the armored vehicle parked before him and melted into a black inky substance. This puddle of raw evil then climbed into a pillar of red eyes and materialized into the red coated individual known simply as 'Alucard.'

"Well," mocked the human with a grin of sharpened teeth, "That was educational."

Erazmor glanced over the corpses of his fallen Kaballite warriors and Wych allies. He felt nothing for them, "They served their purpose," he uttered coldly.

Alucard eyed him and laughed bitterly, "As Dandy Dick would say, 'no reason to be so cruel,'" Erazmor cocked his head to the side in thought, "I don't know who that is," he replied honestly.

The vampire lord closed his eyes and grinned, "Soooo…" he slowly started, "Any last words?"

The Dark Eldar Archon laughed to himself in spite of his ego, "You know… The Tyrant, Asdrubael Vect won't take this insult lightly. His genocidal tendencies will force him to seek retribution for what you have done to me, a loyal servant, and my men."

"Right, Right, Right," laughed Alucard, "I'll make sure to look out for Space Elf Hitler in the near future, not a problem."

And with that, whatever leverage in fear Erazmor had over the human monster evaporated into nothingness. With a sense of depression, he looked at the red clothed human and said, "Please just shoot me…"

Alucard grinned and shape shifted into his typical black nebulous growth of evil, "You know what space elf? I think I'll give you a proper send-off. This guy… I found him around Stalingrad in 1945… Kinda been a while sense I used him."

And with that, the black mass of evil that is Alucard proper, shape-shifted into a well-muscled green uniformed man with a golden oculus over his right eye, with aged greying skin and hair typical of a decomposing cyborg. When this towering human form spoke, it spoke not with the voice of Alucard but with a boastful smug pride of another, "Fooooooooooooools… didn't anyone ever tell you… the Germans have the best medical science in the universe!"

Erazmor had just enough time to watch the human form jump backwards, his shirt opening to reveal a compressed gold plated machine gun in the chest cavity, the man himself assuming a statured pose somewhere between a pelvic thrust and erotic dancer.

The belt-fed machine gun opened fire, shredding Erazmor into meat confetti where he stood.


	5. Alucard Picks on an Inquisitor

There were two of the arrogant smug creatures left upon the bridge, standing over the wounded female inquisitor, casually on guard yet oddly alert for trouble. Furthermore, it was quite obvious that the foul xenos scum were starting to get nervous, "What should we do? We should have heard something by now," whispered one of the alien pirates in their guttural tongue. Secretly, the Inquisitor felt her nerves grate over the usage of such foul and heretical language.

"Look, we can't just abandon our posts. The last person who didn't obey Archon Erazmor he skinned alive. You saw it," they continued to whisper non-discretely in their gibberish tongue whilst believing that the human lying in a pool of blood upon the floor was non-the-wiser to what they were actually saying. Yes, she was a clever Inquisitor, heavily wounded mind-you, yet knowledge was power so she kept playing dumb to take future advantage of the information that these two nit-wits leaked openly.

"You heard all that gunfire. He's got to be dead, fucking dead! We should run for it," they continued as a large dark shadow suddenly materialized behind the pair and blotted out the bridge lights. Even the wounded Inquisitor felt a deep sense of unease and tried to sit up straight upon the plasteel deck plates as two large inhuman hands wrapped in white gloves took each Eldar pirate by their respective shoulder guards in what could best be described as, 'a hug.' The duo of xenos Kabbalite warriors stiffened out of instant soul crushing fear as a towering man with long black hair, red eyes, and a face of sharpened teeth materialized behind them, still holding their shoulders like a paternal hug.

"Sooooooo," he droned slowly, "Whaaaaaaaaat's uuuuuup guuuuuuuuys."

The two Eldar pirates in black body armor performed a terrified and synchronized turn towards the inhuman creature leaning over them and spoke as one, "Please don't kill us."

In response the towering monster grinned and laughed wolfishly as he joyfully squeezed their shoulders with enough force to fracture their body armor into spider webs where his fingers made contact, "Fellas, please… This isn't any way to treat a lady…" he addressed them both casually while letting them go, "Why don't you go make yourselves useful? Tea perhaps? Maybe a hand-job? Is a hand-job on the table?"

"Wa-What? Why should we do anything for you… human-thing?" they suddenly and sternly addressed the monster as he materialized a red great-coat over his body from what could best be described as the essence of pure evil. After all, they were Eldar and he was… well… less than an Eldar…

"Now you see… that's a good question," he dryly retorted to the two defiant Eldar pirates. Suddenly, he lurched forward, grabbed them both by their throats, and pulled their faces into his visage of shark's teeth, "BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T I WILL FUCK YOUR FACES!"

The two Eldar pirates went pale, perhaps wet themselves, and the towering monster dropped them to the deck-plates with a dull ringing thud. He watched, pleased, as they quickly scurried away like roaches before turning his attention fully upon the wounded Inquisitor.

"Right, whaaaaaaaaaaat's up?" he addressed her smugly. She coughed up a little blood and fumbled for the right words, "By the order of the Holy Inquisition I hereby order you…"

Suddenly he was in front of her speckled green eyes, calm, collected, friendly, yet at the same time terrifying. His gloved thumb ran over her lips in a gesture most pleasing while an arm circled around her bent waist like a lover. With a hint of grace, he took her by the chin, her throat noted and she blushed as he pulled her face up to his own as if to kiss her. "I apologize, but this next part is kind of important…" he addressed her, and then, she felt his hand… grope her chest.

The two sat there, on the floor, for a few brief awkward seconds, until… he suddenly sulked as if deflated in disappointment, "You're a Loli," a statement of fact.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A LOLI!" she yelled into his face, suddenly enraged. She was an Inquisitor damn it! The last man who dared to call her a Loli she had shot and castrated in that order. The crimson cloaked monster seemed both pained and disappointed, "Wh-whhhhhhhhhhhat, you're flat, only hills but no mountains, there be no majestic mounds, you lack padding, your boobs be gone, you are poorly endowed, barren above the waist, your stacks of hay have no barns, your balloons be deflated, you have no impact cushions, you are… a loli."

The two Eldar pirates suddenly appeared behind the red cloaked individual, numbed, clearly terrified, "Uh…. My lord?" they addressed him, "We don't know where the kitchen is?" They were like two naughty children, but the towering monster treated them… kindly, she supposed, despite their faults.

"Riiiiiiiiiight," he told them both, "Hey Loli Inquisitor, where's the kitchen or maybe the ships hospital, I would prefer to nurse you back to health before you bleed out onto the floor. You know… because I don't 'do' Lolis with the whole becoming a vampire thing?"

"I'm not a Loli!" she protested flush with tempered anger while gritting teeth.

"Loli?" asked one of the Eldar pirates, "What's a Loli?"

"Oh you know…" mocked the red coated monster with emphasizing female breasts with his gloved open palms, "Smooth where it counts, all sand but no dunes, two small flat mesas', there be no ridges just fissures, a stick figure in more than name only.

"Ohhhhhh," went one of the pirates, "Cre-Gaied," [Flat Chested] such a shame. By Eldar standards she would be kind of cute otherwise," clearly the foul xenos meant his jest in mockery yet his gibe's blunted bard did little to stifle the Inquisitors growing anger.

"Dorchain badd breagan," [Invisible Female Deception] mocked the other Eldar pirate while pointing and laughing.

"Seeeee…" laughed Alucard, "hatred of the Loli transcends all species and genders.

"We admit," said one of the Eldar pirates, "It is a curse which troubles our own race. A threat more dangerous than even our low birthrate."

The Inquisitor squinted her eyes at the trio of assembled idiots standing over her broken body, one of them was clearly some sort of fucking demon-thing and the other two were moronic Eldar pirate scum, "I don't know how, but I'm going to kill you all," she said honestly.

"The Loli has become enraged, it's super ineffective," mocked Alucard while kneeling down before her vision with something akin to a smile upon his red eyed and pale face. Once again he was being friendly, "Loli-Inquisitor… where can we get you patched up?"

She bit back a bitter retort and simply said, "Pick me up and I'll give you the directions as we walk."

The crimson robed monster did as was requested, and with the Inquisitor draped in his arms like a broken white clothed child they started on their journey to the ships infirmary. At first the pirates thought of attempting to escape from their monstrous captor… but with each horrific sight of mutilated Eldar and human corpses, half eaten, rotten, gore ridden… they decided that it was simply a better idea just to follow the demon-human rather than risk being murder-fucked out of existence.

"You know…" he addressed them both, "The last time we hired a group of mercenaries for this sort of thing I got a Frenchman who looked a littttttle bit that one eyed girl from Kill Bill. I think space elves are a nice step up from that. Just remember who your boss is… and I won't have to kill ya!?" he laughed. The two Eldar pirates laughed back… although a bit more nervously.


	6. Alucard Finds A Servitor

The ships infirmary was straight out of a SAW movie and left Alucard with a fleeting sense of bewildered curiosity for what passed for medical care in the grim-dark future of the forty-first millennium seemed little more advanced than saw blades and rusty needles. And, so he stood at the entrance with the white robed Loli Inquisitor in his arms, and two dimwitted aliens standing to his rear as some roaches scurried over the dusty blood stained floor covered in occasional piles of human refuse.

"You smell that," he mocked, "that my friends is the scent of Obamacare in action. Can't you just feel the tetanus infecting your blood."

The Inquisitor and Eldar pirates all seemed a little bit apprehensive of the rusting metal walls, blood smeared medical chambers, and overwhelming sense of death and foreboding. "Huh… this is actually rather than tame by Commorragh standards," chided one of the xenos in jest, or perhaps jaded numbness. It was actually kind of hard to tell.

"Commorragh?" asked Alucard with a grin, "Is that a space elf city?"

"Commorragh is the port of call for the Dark Eldar deep within the bowels of the Webway. It is a haven for those who seek to enjoy the excesses of pleasure whether it be drugs or the most twisted of sexual desires…" rambled one of the Eldar pirates with grated nerves. Evidently he took offense to being called a, 'space elf.'

"So Paris without the French?" interrupted Alucard in jest, "or perhaps Amsterdam after dark? I mean it's clearly not Vegas… fucking Mickey Mouse. God damn you Walt Disney, you made Vegas family friendly… now where am I supposed to go to murder my hookers now? Oh wait… is Washington DC still around or did Donald Trump sell it China?"

The crimson robed demon-human felt the Loli wiggle in his arms, "I'm bleeding out here. Get me to one of those operating tables," she pointed towards a metal slab covered in blood with several saw blades hanging overhead.

"Oh goody, we get to play a game of operation. Warning, I always loooooose," He mocked much to the Inquisitor's annoyance. The red robed demon-human then lay her broken body upon the metal slab with gentle care and watched as she gaped in a silent scream, "OK, just wait and let the servitor do its thing."

"Servitor?" asked Alucard, "What's a servitor."

His question was soon-there answered by a series of mechanical motors echoing through the vacant cathedral like medical bay as something vaguely resembling a human-being, except heavily augmented with crude mechanical limbs, slowly wondered into view from an under-croft of wires of charging machines. Charging machines, huh... wondered Alucard, thinking that in the grim-dark future not even Duracell had survived. Then he wondered what that pink bunny would have tasted like.

"Human. Patient. Identity Unknown," it rambled with a vox heavy, voice-box embedded within the back of its open drooling mouth. Alucard starred at the five-foot machine man and couldn't help but think of the creature as some sort of 'Borg' entity given its unnatural pale skin and crude cybernetic augmentations. Then again, if it was a Borg then surely those cyborgs had fallen upon hard times given the creatures lurching gate obvious of a state of total disrepair.

And then the machine-man entered a circle of lighting and Alucard just couldn't help himself, "Oh my god it's Gary Busey," he laughed while pointing at its large forehead with large white teeth with an open mouth hung open in a perpetual yell.

The servitor ignored Alucard and wondered over to the Loli Inquisitors side, "scanning, scanning, identity human male, age 27," the Inquisitor closed her eyes and gasped a silent scream. Again with the Loli bashing, would it never end, she wondered? Furthermore, now even the servitors were making fun of her. What nonsense was this? Did this demon-humans former master suffer similar embarrassments by his hands?

"The hatred of the Loli transcends all races and genders," mocked one of the nearby Eldar pirates. The other xenos pirate finished the thought, "do these machine-men even count as people anymore?"

"Scanning, scanning. Correction, human female, age 27. Seven broken ribs. Internal hemorrhaging."

"Just fucking sedate me you fool," groaned the Loli in a rasp. A rusty blood stained needle suddenly appeared from one of the servitors knuckles and he twisted sharply to inject some strange blue liquid into her neck. Whatever fears of some rare and exotic blood disease momentarily fluttered through the womans mind were abruptly ended from a void of unconsciousness as she passed out.

"The patient has been sedated. Would you like me to prepare the patient for surgery?" asked the servitor with a mindless drone. Alucard blinked in bewilderment, "Wait… who's going to… oh crap... aren't we the only people still alive on this ship?" he asked to no one in particular.

One of the Eldar pirates chimed in, "Yeah, but can't you just shape-shift into a physician or something?"

"Well… now that you mention it… huh… I never thought about that before. In fact, that would have been super helpful when I shot Police Girl in the boobs… Oh well, whatever works. Let's see… doctor… doctor… when have I ever eaten a doctor… Ewe I know! There's this one guy I met in Japan once when I was ordered to hunt down this Headless girl on a motorcycle. Look its complicated, but this weirdo doctor ended up giving me a blood transfusion from his arm and well… I kinda kept a piece of him as a small memento. Never thought that it would come in helpful."

And with that Alucard started to turn into a blob of red eyes and darkness, and emerging from that darkness was a man in a white lab coat and gas mask… with horns? "Right… just give me a second. This old guy has some serious weirdo memories. Oh wow, that girl was a Dullahan, ohhhhh… and that's what she looks like 'naked.' Wow, this guy has dissected 'a loooooooooot' of people. Even more than normal… huh…" rambled Alucard in another man's voice, "Let's see... anatomy... hooker, hooker, Michael Jackson, Ted Turner... hooker, hooker..."

"OK… got it. NURSE!" he yelled while pointing to the Servator, "you may strip the Loli!" while laughing like a mad scientist.

"Understood," said the robot-man as the two Eldar pirates not wishing to witness the human female's indignity in all of its inglory walked away to the far corners of the medical bay for a brief inspection of human... anything really, they were just trying to distract themselves.

"NURSE!" addressed Alucard pretending to be Dr. Shingen Kishitani, "Do we have adequate stocks of silicon to rid this Loli of her foul birth defect?"

"Negative," replied the robot-man as he removed the woman's white skintight white body glove and placed her limply upon the operation table so that the overhead lights glaringly illuminated her battered stomach of deformed ribs.

"Curses, and understood nurse. In that case, shall we begin with the medical procedure before this gentle giant awakens and realizes that her doctor is actually insane!"

"Affirmative," droned the servitor dully, and with that Alucard picked up a scalpel and started with a lateral incision starting at the sternum.


	7. Alucard Makes an Executive Decision

When the Inquisitor slowly opened her eyes, following her rather impromptu surgery, two things became quickly apparent. The first was that she was naked and lying upon a very comfortable padded bed, and the second was that she was not onboard anything remotely resembling a human warship. She breathed deeply, her lips cracked from a lack of moisture, her lungs filling with air yet aching from her synthetically patched ribcage and recently sawed flesh. Slowly, she sat up upon the bedding and traced the pink scar tissue running the length of her stomach from flat chest to bellybutton.

"Oh good… your awake," spoke a pointed ear xenos man eyeing her with a bizarre smirk, leaning against the nearby doorframe, his lithe body slender and thin like a plank. He was still dressed in a rather form revealing black body-glove whose rubbery texture reflecting the ships indoor lighting like glistening rain. Suddenly, as if coming to a realization of her own nudity, the Inquisitor covered herself with her hands while blushing.

"How long have been standing there you pervert!" she accused him. The male Eldar laughed bitterly and turned his back to her, "Long enough human. Long enough," he spoke seductively like a lover.

The Inquisitor frowned, more from her own embarrassing situation than any actual shame from having flashed this perverted xenos man. Slowly, she looked around the strange room and its glossy white walls. Sensing her discomfort, the Eldar pirate explained her situation, "Our… friend," he described the demon-human known as Alucard, "decided to abandon that human vessel following your surgery."

Abandon? Her assumption was correct, this was an Eldar ship, and this was an Eldar bed. As comfortable as the bed slabs padding might have been upon her flesh, thoughts of sleeping within the bedsheets of an alien's cradle caused the Inquisitors skin to tingle with revulsion.

"Why?" she instantly asked him while sweeping her legs from the comfortable slab upon the… warm, yes the floor was warm to the pads of her feet, and she slowly come to a stand with an aching body. He never turned to address her directly, instead he spoke with arms crossed and his back turned as she clumsily dressed herself in a white bodyglove which left little to the imagination.

"After being made aware of your plans to use him as a weapon against Abaddon at Cadia… he decided to do 'something' else instead. So, by his command, we took one of our ships… and he told me to bring you to the bridge once you awoke to hear his intentions."

"Is that all," she asked him while pulling up her thigh high boots. The pointed ear xeno now turned to face her once again with that cocky grin, "No, he also reviewed numerous historical logs and looted your ships larder for booze. I believe he was quite annoyed by the fact that something called 'Half Life 3' hadn't been 'released' yet. If I recall correctly his exact words were, and I quote, 'you had one job Gabe Newell! One job!' In fact, he later wrote a letter to someone afterwards sighting the problem…"

"Fine," she replied in mock annoyance, "just lead me to him," while zipping up the bodyglove to her chin. The Eldar male nodded approvingly and motioned with his head towards the exterior hallway. Upon quivering feet, the Inquisitor followed the graceful creature through the Eldar ship towards the helm at the bow.

Upon reaching the bridge past numerous unique architectural designs reminiscent of a physical body, the Eldar male stood aside, and despite himself caught a glimpse of the human females plump bottom as she passed him and rounded the command throne of the Eldar craft to meet her unfortunate chore face to face. And there he sat the red cloaked man known as Alucard, sipping from a glass of wine as the blue vortex of the webway spiraled before the helm, "Oh goody, the Loli Inquisitor has decided to return from the dead and grace us with her appearance. You know, I never doubted you for a second. Nothing short of silver bullets can kill a Loli… it's a scientific fact."

"What have you done?" she asked him flatly while ignoring his infuriating jab at her flat chest.

"Oh you know…" started Alucard, "The fun stuff. Rape, murder, maybe a hand job."

She arched an eyebrow, "Are you serious?" she asked him inquisitively.

"Am I…?" he stuttered, clearly taken aback by her response, "Of course I'm not serious. If I wanted a hand-job I would have one of these two idiots do it," he motioned towards the two Eldar pirates standing nearby, "No offense."

"Some taken," responded one of them.

"OK, Look… all my life… I have had one dream, a dream robbed of me by BJ Blazkowicz," he spread his arms as if inviting a denied destiny, "I…" he stalled briefly, "have always wanted to kill Hitler."

"Hitler?" she asked him somewhat confused, "What's a Hitler?"

"Now you see," said Alucard with disappointed annoyance while swirling his wine glass, "The youth of today… this is why our nation is in shambles. Well… that and George Bush… ewe… burn. Anyway, what was I saying, ah yes, you don't learn the important stuff. OK, long story short… Hitler killed a lot of Jews and almost took over Ancient Earth. I… always wanted to kill him… but BJ beat me to it…"

"So what does this have to do with traveling the webway in a stolen Eldar ship?" she asked him bluntly.

"Wow, I thought my plans were rather obvious," said a clearly humored Alucard as the Eldar craft suddenly exited the webway nexus into a massive chamber filled with sickly yellow light, as a vast suspended city of dull hued towers spread out across a wide area with numerous smaller craft winding through the impossibly complex network of structures, "Well you see… I was just in the area and I thought this would be a delightful place for a summer home…" Alucard suddenly went violent and yelled at her, "What the fuck do you think I'm here for? I'm going to kill Space Elf Hitler!"

"Is-is this?" she stuttered in horror, "No-no-no-no, what have you done?" she demanded of him while rounding his throne to grab the demon-human by the lapels of his red cloak. Alucard laughed in her face with those menacing red eyes and fanged teeth, "Space Elf Central! The Dark Eldar City of Commorragh!" he laughed gleefully. The Inquisitor let go of his jacket and stumbled backwards, crashing upon the deck plates in mute horror.

"Your insane!" she spoke as the cruel reality of the situation sunk into her mind to its fullest. This was THE Commorragh, where the abducted humans across the galaxy were taken to be murder fucked to death by the hands of demented xenos scum. Not only did he come here, he came here entirely by choice. Furthermore, he continued to joke and laugh as the stolen Eldar craft continued its unmolested approach to the city.

"From Earth," mocked Alucard, "And I'm going to deck Space Elf Hitler in the snooze!"

Suddenly, Alucard regained his composure and eyed the little Loli with a grin, "What? This was your plan wasn't it? Sick a monster on a monster? Well… Abba-douche wasn't quite my thing... so I took the liberty of making a minor executive decision…"

"Minor Executive Decision!" she suddenly regained her composure and yelled at him in raw anger, "Do you realize what these people do to humans here!"

"Oh yeah… It's like Woodstock on steroids…" he counter-jested, "Just boobs, drugs, and unprotected sex as far as the eye can see… Come to think of it, it's a lot like President Justin Bieber's Inaugural Address. Best US President ever. His service to that great country was a 'One Time' thing. A lot of people didn't want to elect him, 'But Never Say Never.' Best campaign slogan ever, 'Love Yourself.'"

Alucard abruptly stopped his puns as he realized that the individuals within his current room had no idea who Justin Bieber was, what the US was, what a president was, or what the songs he was making clever puns out of actually were, "Now you see… you wouldn't know this… but what I'm saying right now is 40 carat gold. God I hate getting old."

And with that the Dark Eldar ship started to make haste towards the outer docking rings of a very much so unsuspecting Commorragh with Alucard all but determined to take up as many handicapped parking spots for the Paraplegic Emperor of Mankind as humanly possible. He intended to park this spaceship sideways if possible because fuuuuuuuuuck the police.


	8. Alucards Appalling Answer

Appalling Answers

The scent of incense and stale bread wafted through the throne room as what could best be described as a muscular male stripper in a leather bondage outfit stood next to some sort of power armored teddy bear with short grey hair. Both of these men stood before the beautiful golden throne of the corpse emperor as lofty angelic music played in the background.

"OK LOLOLOLOL WHAT IS THE NEXT LETTER?" spoke an imbedded vox ponder from the golden thrones base upon the conclusion of some sort of unknown joke.

"Right the next letter," spoke the male stripper provocatively as he went through a stack of envelops until at last coming upon something rather strange. It was a note with a red wax seal that he had never seen before, "Now that's weird, where did this one come from?"

"WHAT IS IT?" spoke the emperors throne, "DID SOMEONE POUND YOU IN THE POOP TRAP WHILE YOU WEREN'T LOOKING?"

"No my lord Emperor, though that does sounds delightful, I just found a note we didn't sift through. I wonder where it came from?" retorted the male stripper.

"WELL OPEN IT. IT SERIOUSLLY CAN'T BE AS BAD AS THE LAST ONE."

"That is highly unlikely," droned the male teddy bear.

"FOR FUCKS SAKE ROGAL!" begged his skeletal lord and grace, as the male stripper opened the letter and read its contents aloud.

"Dear old friend… I just woke up after a very long-ass nap and wanted to write to you and ask… what exactly fucking happened? How did you, of all people, drop the fucking ball so badly? When I went to bed the universe was all nice and sparkly with hologram hookers and flapjacks and now it's all grim-dark with space elves and Loli Inquisitors? PS: Did you hear about Half Life 3? Sincerely… Alucard."

"Whose Alucard?" instantly interrupted the male stripper. The golden throne sat without comment in eerie silence for a few brief seconds as this latest annoyance ebbed at his lordships sanity.

"GOD DAMN IT TEAM FOUR STAR LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE," finally replied the Emperor, "ALSO WHAT IS THIS ABOUT HALF LIFE 3. DON'T TELL ME THAT IT'S FINALLY BEEN RELEASED BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A LONG ASS TIME TO PLAY VALVE'S LONG AWAITED MASTERPIECE."

"My lord," spoke Rogal Dorn, "What is Half Life 3?"

The emperor sat once more in long and heavily exaggerated silence before responding in depression, "JUST WHEN I THOUGHT WE'VE HIT ROCK BOTTOM YOU ASK ME THAT CONTRIVED AND INFURIATING QUESTION. DAMN IT ROGAL. IT'S A GAME. WITH A LONG ANTICIPATED SEQUEL. IS IT RELEASED IT?"

"My lord…" spoke the male stripper nervously, "There is no Half Life 3 game whatever it might be…"

"WELL…. GOD DAMN IT GAB NEWELL YOU HAD ONE JOB! ONE JOB! THOUGH TRUTH BE TOLD I'M NOT VERY SURPRISED, BUT AT THIS RATE VALVE BETTER MAKE IT GOD DAMN PERFECT! ALSO… TELL POPE-HAT THAT HE CAN EXPECT LOTS OF FUTURE DEATH THREATS SINCE… WELL… TEAM FOUR STAR INVENTED THAT WHOLE FEAR TURKEY THING."

"My lord…" spoke Rogal Dorn, "You didn't fully answer this person's question."

"THAT IS BECAUSE HE IS TROLLING ME. THIS IS WHAT TFS ALUCARD DOES. MY ONLY CONSOLATION IS THAT OUR UNIVERSE DOESN'T HAVE A TFS GOKU BECAUSE THE RESULTING BLACK HOLE OF STUPID WOULD SURELY KILL US ALL."

"As you command my lord," spoke the male stripper enthusiastically before continuing to sift through even more letters.


	9. Alucard Makes An Entrance

Numerous Dark Eldar laborers tended to the outer docking rings of the lowest habitat spires of Commorragh as ships belonging to the numerous lesser cabals far too low in station as to possess dedicated private births came and went as they pleased. Slaves, men and women of countless alien races huddled together and were whipped along by task masters towards holding pens for transport elsewhere. There was a faint scent in the air of stale urine from those who knew the fate that awaited them, yet didn't possess the proper willpower to hold their bowels whilst in terror for their mortal souls.

As the frantic excesses of tribalism amongst the Dark Eldar pivoted countless stocks of aliens like herds of grox into dens of thievery and debauchery… nobody saw the Shadow Class Cruiser accelerating towards the lower docks at ramming speed until it was far too late. First came the nervous glances of men and women anxious of the ships momentum towards the orbital rings habitat ports. Then came the frantic calls towards the ship by escorting reavers urging it to stop. By the time shots were fired towards the cruiser in hopes of halting the ramming action it was far too late to prevent the inevitable.

The Torture Class Cruisier hit the docking ring like a hammer blow. Glass cracked and shattered, deck platting grinded into ruin, men and women disappeared as shockwaves filled with fragmentation blew them apart rending flesh into meaty pulp. Then came the fires sweeping through the vast throngs of slaves and masters, scorching away skin and bleaching bones into revealed porcelain marrow. Thousands died within seconds and those who survived found themselves amidst a disaster of epic proportions.

The Shadow Class Cruiser came to rest within a trench of broken sheered metal. Parts of the dock had fractured away causing port rings with still resting ships to tumble into a maelstrom of frantic shipping traffic. At first the inbound and outbound traffic was able to avoid collisions, but eventually the amount of wreckage became too thick to avoid and entire stocks of slaves and exotic goods started to be lost as ships exploded into blossoms of wreckage around the cities perimeter. What had originally started as a ramming action resulted in even more massive damage to the port as fragmented clutter from broken ships crashed into even more habitats killing yet more people.

….

Alucard sat calmly in the captain's throne of the Space Elf warship listening to the grinding sound of sundering mass being torn away from his captured Cruisers hide as it slowly came to rest amidst the ports docking rings now torn apart into wreckage with a tremble. "Okay everybody," he addressed his crew of captured thugs, "Remember where we parked. It's in the Ursula Lot, Space 65. I expect you to be on your best behaviors less I be forced to employ the buddy system."

The demon-human dressed in his red coat and black knee boots stood from his throne and wondered over to a viewing port. He kicked back a swag of blood from a goblet while watching the wounded being pulled to safety from mounds of rubble. Many were missing limbs or were otherwise gored from his arrival. It was sort of entertaining to watch them panic and wonder about like confused lambs while blood freely from torn sockets.

Then… there were the other aliens. The ones taken as slaves who just prior were being corralled for transport elsewhere. Some of those poor wretches used this opportunity to make a run for it, but they didn't make it very far. As chaotic as the scene was, the masters were quick to put down those attempting to flee. Men and women fell with broken bodies as Space Elves chased them down amidst the ruins upon… 'hover-bikes.' Were those hover-bikes?

Alucard craned his neck to look at the Space Elves riding crude two seater hover craft, pointing and shooting dart rifles into fleeing mobs. It was freaking cool! Alucard had to get one of those things. Then perhaps travel back in time, find Michael J. Fox, and just point and laugh. Yeah… that would be great. Still, priorities! He had priorities. First kill space elf Hitler. Then Mary Poppins. Maybe a blowjob? Screw it… a Mary Poppins blowjob and kill Michael J. Fox, while on a hover-bike, after going back in time! F#ck yeah! That was the way to do it!

"How bad?" moaned the loli inquisitor as she stood shakily up from the deck with a hand pressed against a scalp wound while bleeding crimson down the side of her face. Alucard watched some sort of metal container on the ports docking ring explode enflaming numerous pointy eared creatures in some sort of molten substance. They flailed about bumping into nearby objects and other people before finally collapsing into charred ruins steaming like roasted vegetables.

"On a scale of 1-10," he joked obnoxiously, "Ohhh, about a 3."

"A three?" she asked him while still baffled and leaning up against a wall. She cradled her head, evidently still ringing from the impact with the Space Elf port and the ships subsequent deflowering grind to victory.

"Oh yeah," he joked mockingly, "I was once balls deep in Zerg... and then I got banned from the server because some pussy reported me for hacking. Ohhh, but I got the last laugh. I took a few vacation days to hunt the little faggot down, and shoot him in the dick… Or was that a girl? I don't quite remember… well… 'it' did have boobs?"

"Could you please take this seriously?" she asked him pleadingly as he rambled incomprehensible gibberish.

"Nahhh…" crowed the crimson bastard, "I'm having way too much fun."

The demon-human known as Alucard now turned to face his loyal for lack of ability to betray him minions and asked with arms spread as if in self-styled hug, "Is. It. Ready?" The loli Inquisitor raised an eyebrow as one of the two Dark Eldar warriors nervously shifted his footing.

"Yes my lord. We made the necessary alterations to broadcast the strange song you requested and await your orders," replied one of the two xenos men with a twisted glower. Alucard laughed wickedly to himself and started to walk away towards the exit and off the bridge, stopping briefly to glance one last time over the carnage in his wake from the ships crash landing.

"Ohhh loli-chan… I think the memes from this will be legendary…" and with that he left whilst erupting into maniacal laughter. As if grasping the importance of the moment the trio followed in his wake… though admittedly nervously.

….

The Dark Eldar and slaves and masters of Commorragh watched from the ground in tattered bands of angry mobs as one of the entrances to the crashed Cruiser opened. Their eyes all centered upon a singular individual standing atop his mount of descending steps, taking a bow, his red coat blowing around his body as a sea of crimson demonic eyes flowed around his form like vapers. The sight was eerie and gave many pause for alarm… and then came the music. It played through the ships exterior address, ringing like bells through the docking port, each word a shuttering boom of noise.

[Citizens Rejoice, your new lord and Master stands on high… playing track three]

-I can't decide if whether you should live or die.

Oh, you'll probably go to Heaven,

please don't hang your head and cry.

No wonder why, my heart feels cold inside,

it's cold and hard and petrified,

lock the doors and close the blinds we are going for ride…-

The darkness inking the unknown strangers physical shadows and presence of form leapt forth like a wave forming a hurricane of red eyes which solidified into demonic hounds around the Cruisers twisted wreckage. Men and women, masters and slaves alike, all ran for their lives and were chased down like cattle by things not fit for reality. Blood and flesh was torn as the hounds broke the crowds asunder while Alucard descended from his crashed ship with the Loli and minions in tow. Meanwhile, the song continued to play…

"Now you see…" he said in jest, "That time… IT WORKED! Lesson learned! Never. Ever. Hit auto!"


	10. Alucard Deals With A Lore Update

Alucard at first lauded in his triumph while walking through the burning ruins of the Space Elf Dockyard. All around him were the dead and dying being eaten from his manifestations of ghastly hounds. However, this triumph was short lived. It was not short lived not because of some sort of cliché intervention from the Space Elf Mary Sue, 'Asdrubael Vect,' but from something far more unexpected.

Dark clouds started to whirl overhead as a massive warp storm descended upon the spires of the city. There were screams, horrid wrenching screams, from the surrounding towers ascending against the backdrop of the sickly yellow suns warming the city. Alucard paused mid-swagger and grimaced.

"Now you see, it's been decades since they last decided to advance the plot of the story, and… NOW… they do this shit!" he yelled angrily. The Loli inquisitor felt her skin crawl as a loud shrill whine echoed through the darkening twisting skyscrapers. It was as if the warp itself was beginning to consume the city, and oddly enough she was correct in that assumption.

"What's happening? Is this normal?" she asked. One of the two escorting pirates tightened the protective ring of guardianship around his new master and the weakling loli-lord while nervously scanning the surrounding buildings with sharp and highly focused eyes.

"No," said Alucard gloomily, "Games Workshop just updated the lore in 'Gathering Storm.' It looks like the city is about to get invaded by demons and everyone inside turned into demon burgers. I don't think that this sudden change within the story is quite what the author originally had planned, **_[JCDenton2012 has a brief moment of self-apprehension and continues]_** , but we have to roll with the punches. Honestly, I'm kind of curious how Bruva Alfabusa is going to handle this…"

The Loli Inquisitor stared at the crimson cloaked monster and blinked bewilderingly. "What in the warp are you talking about?" she asked him bluntly.

To Alucards credit, he just laughed bitterly, "Sorry, sorry, my bad. I forget that you guys can't break the forth wall because you aren't main characters. In any case, we should probably make our way to the largest overcompensating arena in the city."

"You're expecting Vect to just sit around as the city burns down all around him?" she asked with a snarl. The two Eldar pirates cocked their heads nervously to hear Alucards answer from such a statement of truth as the sky overhead continued to darken while blue crackles of lightening suddenly struck at the towering spires.

"Oh no. Space Elf Hitler is a secondary objective now. I'm more interested in everyone's favorite Space Elf Ninja right now, because… reasons," the loli inquisitor looked confused as Alucard resumed walking away into the twisting city streets.

The dead clogged the alleys. Men and women of numerous races rested broken apart like emptied masonry into meaty clumps of flesh now being feasted upon by demon scum. Commorragh had fallen. That much was clear. Sure, every once in a while they would find a survivor covered in blood and driven mad from numerous monstrous encounters with the warp spawn terrors, but… most people were simply dead.

To the pirates and inquisitors satisfaction most of the demons lingering about the area simply ignored them. That was strange. Why, why they wondered for such creatures should attack them on sight, and their new master explained, "One word," he jested, "Popo."

No one seemed to grasp the joke, much to Alucards dismay. He secretly hated this. He hated being so old in the far distant gloomy future which felt like a heavy metal album cover to the point where no one grasped twentieth century cultural references. To everyone all around him, his A-material was dated.

"So…" interjected the Loli as the group passed by an overturned luxury hover yacht whose inhabitants had been gutted by demons and lay amongst the surrounding broken rubble, "you said we were looking for some sort of 'ninja?' Care to be more specific?"

"Something like that…" replied Alucard smugly, "OK look," he addressed the group theatrically while abruptly stopping, "Let's assume briefly… that we are all being watched right now. And no, not just by a bunch of demons who get off on Japanese girls taking a shower. There is no way to properly explain this, but people reading the short story will understand this concept. We are currently on youtube."

"On… what?" asked the Loli. Was youtube some sort of Eldar observation device meant to keep tabs on the slaves inside the city.

"Deathbattle. We're on Deathbattle. It's sort of a famous youtube channel, and we're on our way to the arena because I have to fight someone there, mainly… because the plot says that I have to. This was fan requested by the way, so I'm afraid that you guys are just going to have to roll with it."

"I don't understand a single thing about what you are saying hum-master," replied one of the pirates while self-editing his slur at the last second. Alucard laughed and resumed walking towards a towering structure looming over the city street. Up above the group numerous flying monsters started to spin through the darkened spires where more screams echoed from dying throats.

The city was no more than a husk of its former self, and this lunatic thought that he was on some sort of game show. Insane, he was insane! Still, they had no choice. If the motely group decided to make a run for it, the demons inside Commorragh would hunt them down without mercy long before they reached a ship to properly escape.

Suddenly, they all heard voices while stepping into the sharply angled colosseum walls. More dead Eldar lay about the area, some aged beyond their years into dried out husks with their gapping maws caught open into eternal screams. These voices, they spoke strangely and authoritatively as the group passed through a throng of overturned cargo crates.

"Annnnd let's get ready for a Deathbattle!" rattled one of the voices while the red coated human-demon waltzed out onto the arena sands. Strange piano music started to play in the background as Alucard looked down at his hands and clenched them open and closed, "Thank god… no pixels… They sprang for quality models this time."

"What the hell is this music?" asked the Loli Inquisitor. Alucard cocked his head and grinned wickedly, "Oh that… the song is called, 'Left Foot Trapped In A Sensual Seduction,' it's sort of an old theme back when Vampire Nazis roamed the Earth."

Before Alucard could continue making his cheap jokes his minions went pale and bug eyed with fear. The crimson robed monster turned slightly and saw his opponent walking towards him with a long ponytail of red hair swinging behind her scantily clad body.

"Huh," he joked, "I always thought that she would be taller."


	11. Alucard Takes Over Deathbattle

"Is that… who I think it is?" asked one of Alucards Eldar pirate followers as he, the Loli-Inquisitor, and a fellow Kabalite warrior stood apart from their master with their eyes glued upon the feminine enemy marching towards their undead master. Apparently, the demon-human had just dragged their motley crew of misfits into some sort of warp-demon festival as a group of powerful ether spawn rambled on about something called 'Blue Apron' within the background.

Before them, waltzing elegantly across a sandy arena floor, was none other than Lelith Hesperax. She was beautiful with a barbed ponytail of dark red hair, her body adorned in a black armored wychsuit excluding a bare stomach where an old scare ran across her midriff.

She prowled forward towards a grinning Alucard like a panther moving through a thicket of trees. However, it was Alucard who broke the tension with a simple blunt statement of fact.

"OK, before this gets out of hand, you and I need to have a small talk while Wiz and Boomstick peddle their stupid sponsor of theirs. I mean, for the love of god… just go get a pizza or some McDonalds. Anyway… I think… you might be misreading the situation."

Lelith stopped in her tracks and cocked her head to the side while listening the red coated humans proposal. The truth of the matter was that she was perfectly aware that the entire city was infested by demons. Perhaps, hearing out this human; a human who had ventured forth from parts unknown, braved a city of the damned, and entered her midst without getting a single scratch upon him… was something worthy of her patience.

"OK," started Alucard, "Let me get straight to the point. The last time I shook the holocaust tree to see what would fall from the branches, I ate like… ten thousand Helghast. Within me is the total sum of a couple billion human souls. I can materialize them from nothing and use them as cannon fodder to simply overwhelm you. I get it. You're a Billy-Badass-Sexy-Ninja-Dark-Elf… but I'm THE One-Punch-Man F#ck-Mothering-Vampire. You can't win; however, there is a way out of this. When that Deathbattle Ad stops… I want you to just hold your horses and I'll handle things. Trust me…"

Lelith contemplated this while hopping from foot to foot. Truth be told, she didn't have much to lose. The odds of her being able to escape the city while it was crawling with demons was terrible. Yes, even if this human intended to betray her… it was worth the minuet investment of trust.

"Now…. Let's get ready for a Death-battttttttttttttle…" yelled Boomstick as the Blue Apron ad closed. There was a sudden pause as both Alucard and Lelith looked at one another. Neither of them moved.

"What… just happened? Is the video broken?" asked Wiz while in bewilderment. Alucard instantly gave his rebuttal, "Right, so… idiots, um… if this is Warhammer 40k and I'm the real Alucard then that means I have historical knowledge about Deathbattle."

"So, I can effectively break the forth wall, and while you were rambling on like a bunch of whipped and neutered balding old men; about Blue Apron, since at some point your sponsors deemed it necessary to take away your balls… I took the opportunity to discuss things with Lelith here."

"You what? Wait… can he do this?" asked Wiz. Meanwhile, Boomstick just grumbled to himself in response, "God-damnit… it's Deadpool all over again!"

Alucard ignored their statements and pointed to Lelith with an accusing finger. He then boldly declared, "Lelith Hesperex… I hereby challenge you to a game of Paradox Billards Vostroyan Roulette Fourth Dimensional Hypercube Chess Strip Poker!"

"To whats-that?" replied Boomstick, but by then it was too late. The arena darkened and glittered with warp energy which seemed to spiral into existence from nowhere. Lelith and Alucard suddenly had strange machines upon their arms and each wielded a deck of cards. They both instinctively drew five cards. Alucard laughed bitterly while Wiz chimed in, "Waaaait… are they playing Yu Ghi Oh?"

"Something like that," uttered Alucard before resuming, "I activate a magic card from my hand. It's called 'Fourth Wall.' A large visual image of a giant brick wall suddenly appeared over the red coated monsters shoulder.

"By activating 'Fourth Wall' I gain the ability to negate the abilities of 'The Fourth Wall.' I now sacrifice the 'Fourth Wall' to summon two monsters from anywhere beyond the 'The Fourth Wall.' I choose…" Alucard stopped for dramatic effect, "Wiz and Boomstick!"

"He can't do that!" yelled Boomstick before both the shotgun wielding trucker and insane scientist were teleported into the arena. "Ohhhh… this is bad. It's real bad. How did he do this?" asked Wiz, evidently scared from the sudden shift in his comfortable surroundings to the arena of doom situated right between an Alucard and a Lelith Hesperex.

"F#ck you, that's how!" laughed Alucard, "I also hereby sacrifice Wiz and Boomstick to summon another monster from my hand. Oh, and Boomstick…" continued Alucard while the host started to phase out of existence, "I f#cked your mom!"

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo…"

"What the hell is going on?" asked one of the observing Eldar pirates serving Alucard as an impromptu Thrall. The Loli-Inquisitor pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes from a migraine, "Honestly," she said, "I don't even care anymore."

"With those two assholes out of the way, I hereby summon 'Police Girl' to the field," laughed Alucard. Suddenly, a yellow uniformed human woman with blond hair, red eyes, and large bust appeared in the arena with a Harkonnen I rifle in her hands.

"What the…" she said, evidently startled, before turning around and blushing at the sight of Alucard, "Master… where am I? Are we playing Yu Ghi Oh? No way… can I join in?"

"Good news, police girl… you're already playing…" he laughed.

"I'm already playi-… oh crap, I'm a duel monster aren't I?" she seemed let down by the sudden revelation. To be fair, this wasn't quite what she had originally planned for a proper reunion after all this time.

"I also lay a face-down and end my turn…" with that Lelith began her actions. She activated a monster from her hand and laid down two cards. The monster she summoned was a Chibi female ninja with a black scarf wrapped around its face and dressed in a leather bikini.

"Awwwwe, it's so cute…" said the Loli Inquisitor. Lelith Hesperex instantly gave the spectacled flat chested human woman a hateful glare. It was rude to bash another individuals choice in monster cards.

However, despite her actions, Lelith didn't attack. She put her chibi ninja into defense mode and ended her turn without a word. Alucard whistled mockingly to himself and drew another card. This time he laughed self-deprecatingly and activated another monster from his hand, "And without further ado, I also now summon my former bitch of a boss… in attack mode," and now Integra appeared on the field with a saber and pistol.

"What the hell…" she said with an English aristocratic accent. She then turned around and looked at Alucard with an angry blue eye, "You!"

"See, see how she does me. A single world, like a f#cking knife, 'you,' look, I can explain everything…" he nervously motioned with his hands like an innocent child.

"Explain… explain what? Why am I a bloody duel monster!" she yelled at him.

"Look… I was minding my own business…"

"BULLSHIT!"

"I wuuuz!" he moaned.

Lelith looked at police girl and they both shrugged as if confused. Meanwhile, the trio of Alucards new followers wondered about the arena looking for seats and refreshments. It was clear to everyone involved that this little melodrama was going to take a few minutes to sort out.


	12. Alucard Deals With Cato Sicarius

"OK… we have come to an understanding," said Alucard with a mocking smile. His summoned duel monster, the woman named Integra, instantly interrupted him, "I'm not speaking to you right now," she rambled angrily.

"As… I was saying…" he crowed with out-stretched hands, begging to know his error in judgment from his former master, but mostly just from his gathered captive audience, "We have… 'come' to an understanding."

The duel monster known as Integra groaned angrily and rolled her eyes while the one called Police Girl interjected, "Master… do we really have to kill all these cute little cartoons…" she motioned towards Lelith's adorable Chibi duel monsters. Instantly, everyone felt the room chill as the angry Space Elf gladiator narrowed her eyes at the innocent or perhaps dimwitted Police Girl.

"Yep," said Alucard dully, "It's part of the game. If it helps… just think of them as… Spongebob."

"Well…" uttered Police Girl regretfully, "If we don't have a choice… I suppose…"

"I hereby order Police Girl to slay your Chibi Ninja!" ordered Alucard with bluster. Instantly, Police Girl raised her massive gun and fired at the cartoon creature while yelling, "BITCHES LOVE CANONS!"

The little Chibi cartoon ninja exploded into a fountain of gore and vanished into a purple vapor like mist. As this occurred, a small red number above Leliths head counted down to 7,500 from 8,000. It took Police Girl a few brief moments to regather her thoughts from the forced animation, "Awe… sorry about that… I don't know what came over me…" she waved at Lelith genuinely apologetically.

"Do I even want to know my 'catch-phrase' you vampuric asshole?" asked Integra over her shoulder without turning to look at the red coated demon-human. Alucard instantly replied, "Ah-ah-ah… without the sass…"

Integra moaned angrily and gritted her teeth while reaching into her jacket pocket for a cigar case.

…

Meanwhile, the peanut gallery consisting of the Loli Inquisitor and the two enthralled Kabal Dark Eldar warriors, sat and watched the duel taking place from upon the bleaches. As fortune would have it, the three individuals had managed to locate refreshments and were now cloistered together for mutual protection just in case some warp demon decided to infiltrate the arena while the only two capable warriors were otherwise indisposed of by this idiotic children's card game.

"I have no idea what is going on anymore… this all seems dreadfully random…" she said while pouting with a hand supporting her chin. Besides her… one of the Dark Eldar Kaballite warriors was eating some sort of crispy flaky dish of pink objects which seemed oddly like bacon.

She eyed him, and he stopped mid-motion before slowly putting the crispy object into his mouth and resuming a slow and exaggerated chewing motion. The other Kaballite warrior explained, "Kroot Skins, fried in oil. It's a popular lower class food for the arena theater crowds."

The Loli looked at the crispy flaky pink objects and blanched, "Thanks for the warning," she said hollowly. The speaking Kaballite warrior nodded curtly and the group resumed watching their self-appointed Master and Commorragh's deadliest gladiator play their silly little card game.

…..

Just as Alucard was preparing to end his turn… something unexpected happened. The ground began to shake and the some sort of unexpected wash of warp energy phased through the arena. Lelith's duel monsters turned into purple mists and vanished along with her duel gauntlet. She instantly kitted a blade and eyed the nearby bleachers for trouble while expecting a demonic incursion.

Alucard watched a still clearly annoyed Integra lighting a cigar before she also vanished into a purple swirling mist. Damn, just damn… that look she gave him was haunting. It's like… like, she wanted to stab him in the balls with a dinner fork, and to be fair it wouldn't have been the first time. That was a life lesson learned, if your boss calls you up from the basement during diner time after you've covered her car in goats blood and rammed into a dairy queen… best to wear a cup.

The red coated demon-human quickly focused his attention on Police Girl as she panickily called out for him, "Master… it's important that you know… I'm being held hostage by," and then she dissipated away into a swirling purple mist before she could finish her statement. Now that… was annoying. Now he would have to go save her… like f#cking Mario and Princess Peach. Sorry Alucard, but the Police Girl is another castle… F#cking Toad.

Everyone watched as something appeared over the arena. It was large, blocky, and… blue. Slowly, a Valkyrie Dropship decided to settle down and sit within the center of arena floor where it swirled the sands of the colosseum around its boxy frame.

The boarding ramp dropped and numerous blue power armored men lead by a loud and obnoxious sword wielding lunatic descended down to greet the motley assortment of xenos, demon-human, and regular humans, "I, Cato Sicarius, as Cato Sicarius, acting Captain Cato Sicarius… hereby challenge the Eldar scum defending the Black Library to a dance off on behalf of myself, Cato Sicarius, and our Lord Emperor of Terra," said Cato Sicarius, as everyone else more or less glowered at him and his assembled squad of blue berry followers.

"This… isn't the Black Library. You're in Commorragh, the Dark Eldar City within the Webway. It's the wrong place. Perhaps… you 'might' have gotten lost on your way here?" said the Loli Inquisitor with her arms crossed across her flat chest. The Ultra Marines under Captain Cato Sicarius's command seemed to sulk slightly from this revelation. It wouldn't be the first time that their Captain led them astray, yet oddly to victory somehow... almost as if the universe was plotting to save them despite it all.

"In the name of Cato Sicarius, silence! You heretic! I Cato Sicarius, know the Black Library when I see it, and this is the Black Library!" yelled the defiant nit-wit. Once more the men under his command seemed to sulk from the verbal lambasting. This particular woman was brandishing an Inquisitorial seal, and she clearly spoke for the Emperor. Given that their task to venture forth into the Black Library was ordered by the Emperor himself… her word should have been law in this situation.

Luckily, it was another individual nearby who brokered something approaching a peaceful resolution.

"Oh… you are just a treat," said Alucard mockingly.

"And you are…?" asked Cato Sicarius, without interjecting his name for once, "I Cato Sicarius demand to know," and just like that he ruined the moment.

"Who me?" asked Alucard with a chuckle, "My name is…" he seemed to stall for dramatic effect, "Hugh… and this next part is veeeery important so get it right, Mungus. Hugh Mungus."

"Well… Sir Mungus…" started Cato Sicarius before being cut off by Alucards snickering laugh.

"Right about now, Zarna Joshi is freaking the f#ck out because as a noble Kekistani I have little interest in letting this go…" everyone seemed puzzled by the red coated individuals cultural pandering given the tremendous lack of relevancy with the current time period.

"Are… are you making fun of me?" asked Cato Sicarius while in a state of bewilderment.

Alucard started to slowly clap, "Bravo… and yes, I'm making fun of you because I was minding my own damn business with a children's card game when you, the great descendent of Gumby got lost on his way to the f#cking library and decided to intrude upon my little adventure. An adventure, mind you, born from the psychotic whims of several demented fanfiction writers. Oh yeah… and by the way, we are totally going there."

"OK, so here's how this works…" said Alucard smugly, "I am old, like… Bruce Willis old. In fact, Bruce Willis frequently visits my dreams, but that's besides the point. I mean, it's nothing erotic or anything like that. Ok… let's stop that train of thought right there before it gets super weird."

"That having been said, I'm old enough to remember twentieth and twenty-first century pop culture. This… grants me the ability to make numerous almost forth wall breaking jokes under normal circumstances, but while in the warp… well… that shit changes real fast."

"Again with this forth wall nonsense…" grumbled the loli inquisitor with a soured snarling face. Alucard merely chuckled and took a gracious bow.

"Yes, yes, yes… I'm the Deadpool of the Warhammer 40k Universe. However, the more I mingle with the non-material realm, the more I am able to break the forth wall. This… means two things."

"The first," said Alucard while raising a single white gloved finger to everyone's instant focus, "Is that I can screw with people and plotlines from other works of fiction. In fact, I am going to make it part of my future plans. Once I've shot Space Elf Hitler in the face; yes the face, I'm then going to hunt down this universes Rick and Morty so that I can steal their interdimensional portal device. I will then go to the Warhammer Fantasy Universe and fight Gotrek Gurnisson."

"I don't know who any of those people are…" said the Loli dully.

"Yep, not surprised there, but just so you know… the readers are going to love it. We're still in the warp folks… I can break the forth wall on a whim." [JCDenton2012 has a brief moment of self-apprehension]

"The second important thing," continued Alucard while raising another gloved finger for everyone to focus upon, "Is that I am aware of who is and is not a main character. More importantly, I know who has 'plot-armor.' This is why I know…" said Alucard confidently, "That no matter what happens… something… someway… somehow… is going to occur so that if Cato Sicarius here tries to shoot me… he will fail. We both have plot-armor and neither of us can die."

"Well… I Cato Sicarius think that this is absolutely preposterous," said Cato Sicarius.

"Then do it…" replied Alucard with a broad fanged grin and mocking laugh, "Shoot me! Right in the f#cking head! Because you know what… I can personally guarantee you, that we're both f#cking Wheaties Brand Heroes, and the only difference between us that you're Shaquille O'Neal and I'm OJ Simpson."

Cato Sicarius stood there stunned, speechless for a few brief seconds, and then he drew his bolter, pointed at the red coated demon-human, and pulled the trigger. Suddenly, and without warning, a bright white light erupted before the assembled group of survivors.

Alucard, the Loli Inquisitor, and Cato Sicarius all craned their necks to look upon three identical Grey Knights bearing identical suits of power armor, Inquisitorial Shields, and Power Swords. They each wore Pysker Hoods and as one said, "Squad Drago reporting for duty… we will retrieve the hams!" And just like that, all the Ultramarines and Cato Sicarius were teleported away from the Dark Eldar City by the mysterious identical individuals.

"And just in case you couldn't tell…" said Alucard mockingly, as the physical reality once more stabilized all around his mismatched team of misfits, "You done goofed."


End file.
